Member-only story
I Have No Insecurities
I AM an insecurity — one big walking insecurity
I have never felt secure, not since I was about 9 months old. Until then, I felt loved and safe. How do I remember that far back? I didn’t, until I was 35, and my second husband walked out on me, leaving me with a house and two kids and myself to support.
I was a wreak. I cried a lot, and I went into therapy. I had two part-time teaching jobs which were not secure, and I’d never had to pay the bills before. I was so afraid of failing that I had a panic attack. I started looking for full-time work and ended up teaching high school, one year at one school, then another three years 3 hours away from home. I actually enjoyed that move; it was the first time a move was ever my decision, and I found a wonderful apartment for the kids and me. I thought things had finally turned around, and I could feel safe.
That feeling lasted for probably two weeks. I had the money to pay the bills, but the school district was awful, and I got little to no support from the administration. My teaching reviews at the college level had been fantastic; my reviews at that high school in the Catskills were awful. I remember one line in particular: “Her flip sense of humor encourages the students to be rude to her.” Funny. I didn’t think they needed any encouragement.
